Come Get Some 2.0
(I only had about ten minutes to whip this out the first time. I've made some minor adjustments so people other than Ted will understand it better.
Ted Rall, SuperComic, has enlightened the world with his latest opinion column
. These guys are making it too easy nowadays, but here we go.
Conspiracy theories are funny things: the wackier they sound, the more likely they are to be true.
Yep, just like we found out that the Cubans contracted the Mafia to assassinate JFK using a plan drafted by the CIA and the military.
The fires of September were still burning when I, among others, suggested that the Bush regime's Afghan war might have more to do with old-fashioned oil politics than bringing the Evil Ones to justice.
The "others" he refers to are the voices in his head brought about by acute schizophrenia induced by the persistant belief that he is the Keeper of the Cheese and "they" will stop at nothing to sieze his precious fromage. This paranoia leads him to believe that the current war was fueled by oil politics. Sorry Ted, I think you're looking for the Gulf War. That's about ten years back on the left under "Kuwait".
Little did I know how quickly I would be proven right.
Well, it's easy to prove yourself right when you just make some shit up. For example, I am Lord Bushburry of Dargoran. I know this because I have servants who yell, "Dear Lord!" when I break wind and no man has ever come to challenge my claim to Dargoran. I have also read many books on medieval life and a quick survey of my lair finds that I have amenities and luxuries undreamt of by mere commoners of the era. I also have serfs and peasants who tend my vast property. Some may call them "groundskeepers", but I have christened them the Royal Shrub Trimmers of Dargoran. Therefore, it must be true.
Moreover, the American military strategy in Afghanistan -dropping bombs without inserting a significant number of ground troops-all but guaranteed that Osama would live to kill another day.
We have 4,000 troops in country
and thousands more in the surrounding region. What is your definition of significant? I think you're just pissed because you were denied the chance to yell "Quagmire!" and question the large numbers of lives lost in the war. Denied both, you've scraped past the bottom of the barrel and have made good progress into the ground. That's fine if you're The Tunnel King
, but not if you're a hack who actually gets paid for this shit.
So the Third Afghan War obviously isn't about fighting terrorism-leading cynics to conclude that it must be about (yawwwwwwn!) oil. Bush and Cheney were both former oil company execs, after all, and National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice was corporate counsel at Chevron. Unbeknownst to most Americans [but beknownst to me!] , oil fields dot northern Afghanistan near its border with Turkmenistan. But the real jackpot is under the Caspian Sea. Between confirmed and estimated oil reserves, Kazakhstan is destined to become the world's largest oil-producing nation, and will one day dwarf even Saudi Arabia
I thought you were talking about Afghanistan. Jesus, you're all over that newly purchased Rand-McNally World Atlas
. Congratulations, you have correctly identified some of the major geographical features of Central Asia.
Besides, I think you need to spend less time looking for boogeymen under the bed and more time figuring out "side-benefits". You know, positive shit that comes out of fighting against the terrorists and ousting the Taliban? Oil was not a motivating factor (as I'm sure more than 3,000 families will tell you), but if it's a nice bonus, so be it. It's like saying we fought the Japanese to secure the rubber trees in the Dutch East Indies.
Rising energy prices helped push the economy into recession; perhaps 90-cent gas will work where interest rate cuts failed. Once again, the pipeline plan is hot.
In case you haven't noticed, gas prices have remained unchanged or have even lowered since the war began without the benefit of this pipeline. Also, there was a little thing called the "Dot.Com" crash where over a trillion dollars of wealth was wiped out. I think that might have had something to do with the recession. Besides, we've had Russia pumping out enough oil in spite of OPEC to meet our needs. Of course, you're probably one of those hip urbanites who uses public transportation, so you are only assuming gas prices are the prime motivating factor for the peasantry in the suburbs. If this were the case, we would've invaded Afghanistan a year ago when gas prices were near $2.00 and home heating oil prices went through the roof. Christ, next you'll be saying that we're about to invade Mexico because the looming brutal southwest summer will push California's energy problem over the brink. But what does all this have to do with the price of tea in China?
And a front-page story in the January 9 New York Times reveals that "the United States is preparing a military presence in Central Asia that could last for years," including a building permanent air base in the Kyrgyz Republic, formerly part of the Soviet Union. (The Bushies say that they just want to keep an eye on postwar Afghanistan, but few students of the region buy the official story.)
Well, you're just a cartoonist, so we can't expect you to know everything, now can we? If you had rudimentary knowledge of military strategy, you would realize that the U.S. has inadequate force projection
in that theater and requires an airbase not only for a physical presence, it also requires the ability to respond to a situation within minutes. So isn't it slightly possible that we may want to have some influence on events in that region for reasons other than oil?
Hell, by your logic, we currently maintain bases in Japan and Korea for the sole purpose of ensuring the cheap flow of electronics from the Far East into American homes. If the price of DVD players goes up, Bush will invade China to break us free of the SONY cartel so we can get our fix of cheap electronics and pull us out of the recession. Shit, I think I just went over your head. Don't worry, you can go back to your doodling until you pretend to play "Mr. Important Person" and start talking out of your ass again.
(Ted Rall, the cartoonist and columnist, is currently working on the first-ever "instant graphic novel, "To Afghanistan and Back," about his recent experiences covering the Afghan war.)
(Sgt. Stryker, the
mechanic and smart-ass, is currently working on his first-ever
bag of "instant rice ". If he were to write a novel, it'd probably be titled, "God, These Assholes Come Out of the Woodwork Everytime There's a War On," about his recent experiences covering those dipshits who've had their heads up their asses while covering the Afghan war.)
Keep a lookout for Ted's new novel. Coming soon to all fine supermarket checkout lanes everywhere.